July
2, 2005
Dear
Cardjackers,
Clay
has not passed away. He lives here at home in Utah
(NOT Springfield, OH!) with his loving family and
two golden labs. I don't know who you jokers think
you are, but you will be hearing from our attorney
if you do not remove his photograph from your website
immediately.
Sincerely,
Mary Graham
------------------------
July
2, 2005
Dear
Mrs. Graham,
Ok.
Sorry about that. We don't actually know Clay. But
we wish we did. He's kind of hott.
We'll
try really hard to make ourselves remove it.
Sincerely,
Cardjackers
P.S.
On a somewhat different note, our best friend Retarded
Jenny is moving to Utah. Maybe Clay would be interested
in a date or just mutual oral? Please pass her photo
on to Clay as she will be there in late August.
July
12, 2005
Hello Clay,
Thank you for joining my mailing list and for your
Interest
in The Magic Touch. You're now registered in our Inner
Circle, where I'll try to give you all the help and
advice you'll
need, to get the very best enjoyment and thrill from
Magic.
DAY 1 of "Your Five Days of Magic" is ready
for you online.
The title is "TIPS on Beginning to Learn MAGIC"
I hope you enjoy it.
I hope you enjoy it.
Have a Magic time!
Kind regards,
Johnnie Gentle
john@magictouches.com
-----------------------
July 12, 2005
Dear Sir,
I believe you must be on crack because not only did
I NOT SIGN UP for your crackpot magician series, I
also loathe that heathen and unholy practice. It is
WITCHCRAFT, sir, and you WILL PAY for this in the
afterlife.
My father died at the hands of a magician and I swore
- I SWORE - I would never befriend a magician or witch
of any kind.
This includes people who practice the evil black magic
of darts and anyone named The Amazing (And Wonderful)
Ronny.
Sincerely yours,
Clay Graham
-----------------------
July
13, 2005
Hello Clay,
Here's Day 2 of your Five Days of Magic - Basic Tuition...
DAY 2 of "Your Five Days of Magic" is ready
for you online.
The
title is "HOW TO PALM CARDS", a must for
any
aspiring magician.
I hope you enjoy it.
Have
a Magic time!
Kind regards,
Johnnie Gentle
john@magictouches.com
-----------------------
July
13, 2005
Dear Sir,
Again, I DID NOT sign up for your cheesy magic lessons.
Please take me OFF your fruity mailing list.
Sincerely yours,
Clay Graham
-----------------------
July
14, 2005
Hello Clay,
Here's Day 3 of your Five Days of Magic - Basic Tuition...
DAY 3 of "Your Five Days of Magic" is ready
for you online.
The
title is "CONTROLLING A CARD", another essential
skill
for any aspiring magician.
I hope you enjoy it.
Have a Magic time!
Kind regards,
Johnnie Gentle
john@magictouches.com
-----------------------
July
14, 2005
Dear Sir,
If you do not remove me from your mailing list immediately,
sir, I'll have no choice but to boil and eat your
precious white rabbit and I don't even LIKE rabbit
meat.
Sincerely yours,
Clay Graham
-----------------------
7/31/2005
Hello again Clay,
Imagine the situation.....
I was sitting quietly at the back of the room when
suddenly the subject of magic came up. I haven't a
clue where it came from but eventually one of my "so-called"
friends announced to everyone that I was a magician
and that I did magic all the
time.
Now up 'til this point I had only ever done magic
tricks for my family, close friends and pals and here
was one of those "pals" announcing to the
world at large that I could do magic.
So what was the problem?.....
Well! Let me tell you what happened next.....
I was called upon to perform some magic in front of
about 30 very critical and unsavoury people, without
any warning or preparation. I was absolutely devastated!
- There's no way in the world that I would ever have
performed in front of this crowd. I knew them far
too well. I was also totally unprepared and had no
magical items with me. I've never been so embarrassed
and really angry, that my pal should have got me into
this horrible position.
You see I was only 11 years old and in the school
classroom, being more or less "ordered"
by the teacher to perform some magic in front of the
class. - To this day, it's the worst magical experience
of my life.
Why was it so bad? .....
After all, I had been doing magic tricks since I was
about 7 years old and had masses of great little effects
that would have baffled my classmates. Well for one
thing, I had never really let on to anyone that I
did magic and had really only done tricks for a few
of my friends and would never have wanted to perform
in front of my classmates.
But the worst thing was, I had no magic tricks with
me and although I said I couldn't do any tricks, the
"friend" who had seen many of my tricks,
kept insisting that I could do magic anywhere and
at anytime. The teacher also kept insisting, and so
in a near tearful state I could only think of borrowing
some coins and vanishing them and exchanging them
for lower denominations that I had in my own pockets.
Anyway, it wasn't a nice experience, but it did teach
me a great deal and looking back, it's probably what
shaped my whole magical career. I vowed there and
then that I'd never be caught unprepared again....
and I never have.
The moral of this story is really to be prepared to
entertain at all times and always have "something
up your sleeve" so to speak.
You see, the moment you do one little trick for someone,
YOU ARE A MAGICIAN and there's no going back. That
person will often be so amazed and amused by your
trick that he'll tell others, who'll in turn, expect
you to do wonderful things and it's so difficult to
persuade them that you only know two tricks.
The secret is always to have a couple of stunning
effects that you can do anywhere, with everyday things
like money, jewellery, pens or string etc. and practice
them in a routine that gets you over the dreadful
experience of doing
your "One and Only Trick" and then when
everyone says, "That was great, - show us another",
you are caught in that horrible embarrassing situation
I've just told you about.
Please just let me know if I can be of any magical
help to you.
Until next time.......
Kind regards,
John
-----------------------
July
31, 2005
Dear Sir,
I am going to punch you in the face very, very soon.
Sincerely yours,
Clay Graham
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